More than just Commander
by carimasali
Summary: A light-hearted conversation with Doctor Chakwas leaves Shepard thinking about the future. Her future, to be specific. She is not very happy with what she is able to predict and goes to Garrus for comfort.


**More than just Commander**

* * *

When Doctor Chakwas had asked to drink with her a bottle of her favorite Serrice Ice Brandy, Shepard had agreed. The last time they had gotten drunk together had been to celebrate their reunion after death's failed attempt to kill her.

Shepard was seated in the doctor's chair, the older woman was leaning against the wall.

"Shepard! I just realized you never call me by my first name", she said, interrupting the anecdote about Joker and Jack.

"Neither have you", Shepard replied, the words coming out in a slur.

"And I never will" Karin looked at her with determination. "You are Commander Shepard. Hero of the Citadel. Conqueror of the Collectors. Savior of the Galaxy."

The pleasant feeling spread over her body like a warm blanket faded until the only thing left was a heavy void, not unlike when she was spaced.

"Using your first name just disrespect everyone your fighting for. Alive or gone."

Shepard snorted, but the drunken smile on her face wavered and stiffened. "That makes no sense"

 _Commander Shepard._

 _Savior of the Galaxy._

 _Conqueror of the Collectors._

 _Hero of the Citadel._

 _First human Spectre._

 _Only survivor of Akuze._

 _Commander Shepard._

Was that the only thing she was?

She hadn't taken the time to think about this or what she would do once the war was over. But now she did and it was not pleasant.

Suddenly she was able to predict her future and it did not look all that bright and heroic. She knew with an almost desperate certainty that the Galaxy would continue to need her as a problem solver.

Earth was already in ruins and there was not yet an end in sight. She didn't dare imagine what it would look after. She would be once again the face of humanity for the Alliance, a symbol of endurance and hope and victory.

 _Commander Shepard, first human Spectre._

The Turians and Salarians wouldn't stop being afraid from the growing population of the Krogans. One of them or both would do something to threaten the peace and they would call her to fix their fucking mess.

The Krogans would start to harass the Council in earnest for a seat and both sides would turn to her to step in for them.

The Quarians and the Geth would wage war against each other again and Shepard could already envision herself travelling to the other end of the Galaxy to stop them.

 _Commander Shepard. Hero of the Galaxy ._

The worst part was that she would do it, even if she was exhausted, because she knew that if she wanted to get things done the proper way she had to to the work herself. She could complain all she wanted, deep inside she knew that saving others, solving other people's problems was the only thing she knew how to do.

Always there to save the day. Her job would never be over.

Suddenly, she wasn't very sure she wanted to survive. She wasn't sure she could survive living. Her job would never be over. Her life didn't belong to her. Her future belonged to others.

The effect of the alcohol disappeared, unfortunately. Karin noticed nothing and Shepard pretended to listen.

"Come! Let's have a toast!"

Shepard stood up, wavering slightly. She raised her glass. "To a woman I'm proud of calling a friend" she slurred. "I'm… lucky to have you here Karin"

"And to you, dear friend. It is a great honor to share this journey with you, _Commander Shepard_. And good fortune to ourselves."

Shepard nodded stiffly and let out a relieved sigh as soon as the door closed behind her. She ran a hand through her hair. The knot in her chest was still present.

Her legs moved on their own, leading her away from the tables and the crew members gathered there and straight to the Main Battery. To Garrus.

Usually she went to visit him last, trying to seem less eager to see him than she actually was and hoping to keep their relationship discrete. Everyone knew the status of their relationship. At least since Primarch Victus had accidentally made a comment on Turian costumes of dating and kissing Turians, unaware that their relationship was something private. The good turian had apologized later for intruding, but not without asking Shepard politely to not hurt Garrus, who he had grown rather fond of in their short time together. She couldn't blame him. Garrus was easy to like once you got used to the fringe and plates and mandibles.

The door slid open and to her disappointment found her boyfriend talking over the comm with their old friend Tali.

He turned as soon as he felt her enter, her heart lifting a little when he flicked a mandible in what was a turian smile. The conversation finished and he turned his whole attention to her.

Neither was an expert on the other's species, but something in her expression and body language must have alerted him, because he dropped the tool he was holding and stepped closer to her.

"Is everything alright?" he asked. He released a surprised sound when Shepard wrapped her arms around him. "Shepard?"

"No!" The words choked in her throat. "Please… don't call me that…" She swallowed what would've been a sob. She couldn't allow herself to… show weakness. Not when the reason behind her current mood was only her family name and her title.

But it was so much more than just that.

"Jane…" he purred, the sound vibrating through her body. She pressed her face into the almost feverish warmth of his neck. His scent, so alien and yet so familiar, was comforting. He lifted a hand, raking his talons through the strands of red hair with a tender fascination he hadn't lost yet. He inhaled deeply, taking in the sweet smell of her.

"Jane…" Garrus purred again and pulled her closer. Shepard sniffed. She felt his hands on either side of her face and looked up, meeting his icy blue eyes. His forehead touched hers and she was again surprised how comforting this Turian sign of affection was.

"Garrus-" Her voice broke and she turned away from him. His arms tightened around her and puller her closer to his body.

"What happened?" he asked, the subvocals only emphasizing the worry he felt.

She swallowed heavily. How could she explain it to him? She knew what she wanted and needed to say, but words failed her nonetheless.

Garrus straightened and his arms dropped to his sides. He moved to the door. "Maybe I should get Liara-"

"No!" Her hand clawed into his arm and dragged him away from the door. "No, don't go. I'm fine!"

"No, you're not!" he argued, shaking his head determinedly. "I know you and you're not fine." He lowered his voice. "Please. Tell me what happened." He fidget, his fingers kneading each other. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Shepard glanced down, tempted to turn her back to him, but instead returned to the warmth of his embrace. They stood still and in silence, the only sound around them came from the engines. Shepard took a deep breath.

"I have no future" she whispered so low that Garrus would have missed it had his hearing not been so well developed.

It shook him to the core and he shuddered at the emptiness in her voice. He stepped back, keeping her at arm's length and steading her at the same time.

"What do you mean you have no future?" he growled, the hiss in his voice coming out harsher and angrier than he intended.

Shepard stepped back and wrapped her arms around herself. "I…" She shrugged. "I'm just… Commander Shepard. And that's all I'll ever be…"

At his lack of response, Shepard forced herself to turn again. The turian was still standing in the same spot. His mandibles were drawn tight to his jaw.

"I've been thinking" She winced at the choice of words. "It will never be over. At least, for me it won't. They will need me after the war. They willalways need me. So you see, my future doesn't belong to me."

He continued to stare. She released a deep breath.

"Say something", she urged.

He blinked once. "You're wrong."

She frowned. "What? Garrus -"

But Garrus shook his head. " _How can you say that?_ " he keened. "You're not… you're not just 'Commander Shepard!' I don't – I can't – _How can you even think that?_ " He began to pace, trying desperately to convey what she meant to him, how much it _hurt_ that she didn't see her worth like he did. His hands fisted and he felt the urge to kill the person who had made her think the opposite.

"How can you say that?" he whispered. He stopped the pacing, turned to her and met her shimmering green eyes. He swallowed nervously, recognized the wetness in them as tears. Turians didn't cry. Humans did and they were rarely a good sign. He didn't want her to cry.

"You're Jane. Jane Shepard and so _much more_ than just a commander. You're… You're mine just like I am yours." He shook his head again. "I don't know who made you think otherwise, but they are idiots. I hope you punched them in the face."

Shepard laughed, her chest warming when he grinned. She took his hands in hers, pressing them slightly.

"You have a future, Jane. A life after the war. And it doesn't belong to them", he hummed deeply. "And I tell you what, once this whole thing is over we'll go on vacation. Just you and me. Somewhere nice of course, preferably some place the Reapers haven't destroyed. It's a big place, the universe. I'm sure there's a world somewhere that has remained undiscovered and is just waiting for us to explore it. We'll go to the beach, you can swim while I stay away from the water as far as I can and then we'll have to hide after the hostile natives attack us."

"Attacked by hostile natives, huh?" Shepard chuckled. "I don't know, Garrus. Doesn't sound much like vacation to me"

"I'm sure it'll feel like that once the war is over"

They fell silent, their foreheads touching and arms holding each other. But duty called them all too soon and they broke the embrace.

"Will you come up later?" she asked.

He flicked a mandible in a cocky grin, the one she had grown so fond off even though it was sometimes infuriating. "I still have some calibrating to do, but I'll head upstairs as soon as I'm done here."

She rolled her eyed and punched his shoulder playfully. "You and your calibrating, I swear"

He chuckled, the sound deep and rich and the effect it had on her hadn't changed in the least.

"You love me for it"

She rolled her eyes at him again. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she turned away. "That I do." She turned back to look at him, the alien, who had become so human in her eyes. "Thanks, Garrus. Really."

A pleased expression spread across his scarred face. "Always, Jane."

"See you later, Garrus."

Notes:

I was playing ME3 and the scene with Dr. Chakwas made me sad. I know it was probably not meant to be that, but we saw Shepard get involved in so many conflicts just because the "world" leaders were too stupid/afraid/blind to take actions against the rising threats. And what do we see in ME3? Shepard has proven herself over and over again and they still mistrust her, but ask for her help anyway.

Please review!


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